An Open Letter to My Love

6 months. It’s been 6 months since I lost you. Since we all lost you. Time is a strange thing now. It feels like an eternity since I’ve felt you wrap your arms around me, kissed your lips, smelled your body as we snuggled, heard you laugh or say “I love you”…it’s all been so long. 

But in the same breath I can say, how has it been 6 months? What have I done for 6 months? I know I’ve worked, I’ve seen family & friends, I’ve run errands and cleaned house…but it’s a strange fog that surrounds all of that. Like a shear sheet draped over my life the last 6 months. You can still see what is under that sheet but it’s not completely clear. That’s how my life feels right now. Sometimes I don’t know if my life with you & the kids was a dream or if what I’m living now is a dream (more like a nightmare) and I’ll be able to wake up from it. Oh how I wish I could wake up from it. 

What does 6 months without you look like? It’s me still sleeping on the couch because I can’t bare the thought of sleeping in our bed alone. It’s driving down the road and all of a sudden grief strikes me and tears stream down my cheeks as I ask the Lord why? Beg Him for an answer and since there isn’t one that will ease my pain, I beg Him for strength. It’s finding comfort in anything that reminds me of you. It’s wearing your white t-shirts to sleep in. It’s going to sit with you at the cemetery almost everyday because that has become my safe place. My peaceful place. It’s talking to you even though you aren’t here to respond anymore. It’s waiting for 12am so I can check my Facebook for “on this day” because it might be a picture of you that I forgot I had or a post/story I didn’t remember. It’s hard. It’s still all very hard.

But do you know what else 6 months without you looks like babe? It’s me finding strength in myself that I never knew I had. It’s realizing that horrible & tragic things can happen in life but we choose how we are going to move forward (not on) after those things happen. It’s me having faith & hope in our Lord. It’s our families rallying together and giving each other love, strength & support. It’s supporting & loving the kids in anyway I can, and knowing I always will. And finally, it’s me knowing that even with every tear cried, every sleepless night on the couch, every aching moment I must live now….that I would do it all over again. You are still my best friend. You are mine & I am yours. Always. 

I’ll love you for eternity,

Your Bluebird 

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