This post is going to discuss something that makes me very uncomfortable. I hate this topic. Hate it. I get very emotional & I truly despise even thinking about it. But it is part of my world now, my reality I suppose, so I’m going to share about it. It is the thought of dating again. This thought does NOT cross my mind. Period. But this was brought up to me just a few days ago at work when a man asked me out to dinner. I was in shock! My first thought was “What? I’m happily married.” I know he did not mean harm in doing this but his simple act of asking that question brought out feelings in me that I’m simply not ready to face.
I still wear my wedding rings because in my mind I am still 100% married to my love and for me, it just feels right. I realize my “technical” term has changed from wife to widow but my heart doesn’t see it that way. I politely told him that I simply was not emotionally ready for that. This encounter happened at the end of my workday. When I started driving home my anxiety was building & before I knew it I was sobbing. This one moment surfaced feelings that I usually bury.
This is such an emotional topic for me, even writing this I can’t hold back the tears. Since I lost my husband people have told me how I’m surly going to find love again, get remarried and have kids of my own someday. I know they think they are helping, they want to try and comfort me, but it actually hurts me more than helps. Anytime I hear any comment like that I want to SCREAM! And scream loud! I want to say “What do you know?! You think it’s just so easy to replace my husband?! To imagine a life without him in it when we still had so much to see and do together! It doesn’t work like that!!” I can not speak for all widows, we all grieve and cope differently, but for me, it does not bring me one ounce of comfort to talk about future relationships. Vomit. Truly. That’s how I feel…vomit.
So if you have read this, please let it stick in your mind to think about certain comments regarding the future. Not just for me, but any widow. I don’t need to be reminded of those things, all I need is to be shown love & understanding. Certain parts of this journey are mine, and mine alone. This happens to be one of them. I don’t need to think far into my future, I just need to make it through each day. It’s hard enough to imagine how I’ll make it through the holidays, much less anything else. So think before you say anything to someone grieving and when in doubt, don’t offer advice or “comforting” words, just listen. As for the getting asked out part(I’m really hoping that doesn’t happened again!)…I guess that’s just another one of the many things I can’t control. If it does, I’ll be gentle with myself and know that it’s ok if I cry for hours afterwards because nothing about this is easy.