Yesterday, Monday Oct 3rd, was our 1st wedding anniversary. This day also marked 7 months of my husband being gone. I had avoided this fact in my mind up until Sunday night. Then, like a dam bursting, I couldn’t avoid it any longer.
I looked at wedding pictures and thought back on the day and all the memories and what that day represented to me, to both of us. I became a wife and a stepmother, both of which are big responsibilities. I loved every aspect of what that day represented. Looking back on it made me smile, but it also made me cry. How could this be? How could I have never gotten to spend a wedding anniversary with my husband? That’s not how it should have been. We should have had years of wedding anniversaries together, but instead we never had one.
I was lucky to get to spend the day with my stepdaughter. She brought joy to an otherwise heartbreaking day. I didn’t focus on what the day was while I had her, I just enjoyed her company and our time together. She brought smiles, laughter and love. I was so thankful for that, for her.
My husband, Erik, saved a bottle of wine from our wedding. I did not know he did this at the time. He gave it to my dad to keep and for us to open and drink on our 1st anniversary. I received that bottle of wine Sunday night and as Erik planned, on Monday, I drank a glass with him. I went to the cemetery, laid out my blanket, brought our wedding glasses and watched the sun set as I had a glass of wine from our wedding on our anniversary. I sat there until it was completely dark outside. It was hard for me to leave, I just wanted to sit with him and never go home.
Here are some pictures of the beautiful sky I saw while sitting with him last night. He knows how much I love a beautiful sunset so maybe it was my anniversary gift. 🙂
This journey is not easy. There are so many ups and downs. Grief is just plain ugly and I hate it. The longer time goes the more reality is starting to set in and I’m struggling with that. It’s almost as though I felt it would end eventually, that things would go back to normal, that he would be back…but things won’t go back to normal because he isn’t coming back. I can’t seem to wrap my head around that fact, nor do I really want to. So I’ll keep taking it day by day and trying not to think to far in the future because that makes it all too overwhelming.