What does November mean to me? It means the dreaded question- “What are you doing for Thanksgiving?” Well, to be honest, probably nothing. I will most likely stay at home and I will also go sit with Erik. I do not want to celebrate. I don’t want to know there is an empty seat and always will be from now on. I’m in no way looking forward to Thanksgiving, or really the holiday season in general. Please don’t tell me to enjoy it, don’t tell me that that is what he would want, please just don’t. Regardless if I “should” feel this way or not, I do. If I could crawl in a hole and come out after the holidays I would. Although I know that even after I crawl out there will still be things to face. It’ll never be the same.
November will also be my stepdaughter’s first birthday without her dad. It’s hard for me to think about that. That’s a huge struggle for me, thinking of the things he will miss with his kids. I have to admit that I try very hard to avoid thinking about that most of the time. If I focus on that too much it takes me to a very sad place, so I just try to take it day by day. The problem is, I can’t always avoid it, it does creep up. There is a lifetime of holidays, birthdays and all kinds of events for them still to come. First dances, learning to drive, going to college, getting married…how is it possible that it’ll have to be without their dad? I try not to say this much but, it’s just not fair. They deserve to have him there every step of the way throughout their lives.
So for me November will be tough. But so will December…and January. In reality, it’ll always be tough because there will always be someone very special missing. I mentioned in another post about a card a fellow widow sent me shortly after Erik passed away, a lady that I have never met. She just wanted me to know someone out there survived. It’s been many years since the loss of her husband. This was one of those weeks for me that I had to read that card over and over and keep telling myself “Someone survived. It wasn’t easy, but someone out there is surviving.”