This is a rough writing, one I don’t plan to reread or correct after I write it so it may have some issues but I just had thoughts and feelings that needed to get out. I’ve been sitting here thinking about this past year. I know I already posted about it but I wanted to share this as well.
You would think I would want to leave 2016 behind wouldn’t you? Yet leaving it behind means leaving the last year Erik was alive. It’s leaving the last year I told him I loved him and got to kiss and hug him. It’s actually heartbreaking to continue to the next year, a year he will never be here for. It’s such a strange feeling. This year has had the worst moments of my life in it but it also had him for a little while. I got to be with Erik for 2 months and 3 days of 2016. I feel stuck in this year, paralyzed. How can time continue when the world ended that day? I know I lived it, I know I woke up each morning, but I just don’t know how.
I miss him more each day. People think after a certain amount of time you should be “getting better” or “moving on”. Well I will never move “on”, and as for me “getting better”…it’s not some sickness to be cured of, not some cold I have and I can just “feel better” with some fluids and rest. It’s a long road and I will miss him my entire life. It seems the longer it goes the more I ache for him, the more it hurts. I’ve actually been told by many people who have dealt with grief such as mine that year 2 can be a lot more difficult. The first year you are numb, in shock, barely surviving…year 2, reality starts to set in. I haven’t hit the 1 year mark yet but I can already feel what they mean. It seems to hurt even more now as time goes on. I keep thinking “Ok, is it over yet? Can he come back now? I survived long enough right?” I can’t understand how he just isn’t coming back, how that can’t be possible. There is no easy way to grieve. I do not know what lies ahead for me, but I’m a fighter, I have prayer and I have the most beautiful and unconditional love we had for each other living inside me everyday.