I’m sitting here and my emotions are taking over me, I can feel my anxiety building. The “countdown” has begun. There are 11 days until THAT day, the dreaded day, the one year anniversary of my husband’s passing, the day that changed everything for me and all our family and friends.
Today is one of my nephew’s birthdays. I can’t help but think back on his birthday last year. Erik and I took the kids to see my nephew get baptized, great birthday gift for him! Then we went out to dinner with my family and afterwards we went to my parents house for cake and presents. It was a great day full of celebrating. It is also now the last day any of my family saw Erik alive.
I think in situations like this you can’t help but think back, think about his last days here on earth. I think about how we were just living life with no idea what was about to happen. How in just 11 short days life would drastically change, how my world would be turned upside down and shaken to the point where I didn’t recognize anything…not even myself.
I think to myself, Did I hug him enough? Kiss him enough? Tell him I love him enough? Did I let him know just how very much he means to me and how I love him unconditionally? It never feels like enough and had I known I’m sure I would have done it a million more times. I can’t question that too much though because I know that I did. I was always an affection person with him and constantly letting him know that I loved him and that no matter what we were partners. As I always said to him “You are mine and I am yours. Always.” And I meant it, still do.
I’m dreading March 3rd, I dread the days leading up to it as well. That day will always be the day I lost my best friend, my husband. It’ll always be the day my mother-in-law lost her only son, his sisters lost their only brother and my stepchildren lost their father. Life is broken up into two worlds now- Before and After.