I’m Different Now – How Grief Changes You

Well, it’s been too long since I posted last. Sometimes I’m not sure what to even say. That I miss my husband? Yep, still do. That I’m lonely? And not just a normal kind of lonely but a lonely deep in your bones that only having your spouse back could heal? Yep, I feel that daily. Don’t get me wrong, I smile, I laugh, I love…but I’m different now. The world in general feels different to me now.

Since my last post I have made it through all these occasions for the 2nd time without my husband- my stepsons birthday, Father’s Day, my birthday and 4th of July. I sure do wish he could have been here for all of those. It was so strange for it to be the 2nd time without him.

I realize now how clueless people are to those grieving. How people simply don’t get it. Now that the first year has passed, it seems as though I’m supposed to be “moving on”, whatever that means. Everyone’s lives around me continue on and I’m sitting here in limbo wondering what in the world is going on.

It’s a bit maddening when people think they know what you should do or how you should feel, especially when they themselves have not experienced such a loss. It’s easy for people to tell others what they should do when they aren’t dealing with the pain of it themselves, isn’t it? I’ve seen this with many people, not just people dealing with grief. People always have opinions about anxiety, depression, addiction(dealing with a friend or family member with addiction), any mental health condition…people who have never dealt with any of these things (whether themselves or with a loved one) always seem to jump up and have opinions or “suggestions” about what people dealing with these issues “should” do. Maybe just try listening to them instead of giving your two cents. Don’t try to “fix” them.

I don’t need to be “fixed”. I’m grieving. Point blank. Not only did I lose my husband, I lost our future as well. I have to grieve not only him but all that could (and should) have been. So let me do that. That doesn’t mean I’m not enjoying life and certain aspects of it, I am, but I’ve had a life altering event happen to me…I’m different now, and that is ok.

I won’t apologize for the new me. I’m beautiful and a bit of a mess, all rolled into one. I’m not damaged or broken, I’m just different. I’ve always been a very empathetic and loving person, and always try to see the best in people. I still am those things, maybe even more so. I may be heartbroken but I also love harder. When I see another soul in need I try to do something to help build them back up. That is what helps me…helping and loving others.

This blog post feels a bit all over the place today but hey, so am I.