I’ve had a lot on my mind (although I always do…hello, constant thinker here) and thought I would share some things.
It’s a new year and in less than two months it’ll be the two year anniversary of losing Erik. I wrote about my first year and all the “firsts” and now I’m going to reflect back on this last year, the 2nd year without him.
It’s strange, as I think back on the first year it was extremely hard. Everything was so fresh. I was usually two extremes, either feeling everything at once or simply feeling nothing at all…completely numb. The first year is the year of “shock” I guess, at least for me. I’m not sure if that’s always the case with loss or maybe it was the case for me because it was so sudden and unexpected, I’m not sure.
Year two has been easier in some ways and harder in some ways. You start to come back to life a little. I’m not going to lie, that first year I was like a zombie from The Walking Dead. Roaming around. I mean I wasn’t trying to eat people of course but hopefully you get my comparison. During year two I have tried to live again, push myself. I went on my first cruise and I’ve gone out with friends more and just laughed (I missed that). I also have taken up new hobbies like painting and teaching myself the guitar. I realize that we can say over and over again “I wish I would have…” *fill in the blank* or we can do it. As much as I felt like I died that day along side of Erik, I didn’t. I can’t just survive this life, I have to LIVE it. He would want nothing less.
Now there are some hard things that come along with year two. People don’t ask how you are doing as much and you feel as though they have forgotten. It’s not that I need them to remember me and my grief necessarily, but I need to know Erik isn’t forgotten.
Year two also meant all the 2nd birthdays, holidays, everything. It felt almost harder than the first, probably because I was so numb during the first. My birthday (and his) passed without people saying much about it. No “thinking of you today” or anything like that. I have a select couple of people who did…I can’t say no one, but not many. Same with Thanksgiving and Christmas…I guess that’s just what happens, other people move on, and we have to cope with that fact.
After New Year’s Eve this year I realized I can no longer say that I lost my husband “last year”, something about that was so strange to me. It’s a weird feeling moving farther away from that time. I guess a part of me will live in 2016 forever…the last year he was here on this earth and also the year everything came crumbling down around me.
I know that just because I had this horrible tragedy in my life that it doesn’t mean I’m immune to more. I don’t get a “heartbreak free pass” for the rest of my life because my husband died. Life continues…the heartbreaks, the laughter, the love, the grief, the joy…it all continues. I’m thankful for everyday that I am given on this earth and though there are times where I’m bound to fall down, I plan to get right back up and keep moving as best I can.
My thoughts may be a little all over the place in this post (sorry, it happens) but basically, I’m still here…and I will try to live this beautiful life every single day. I will find joy in the little things like a beautiful sunset or a night out with friends, or singing songs to the kids as they drift off to sleep. Not everyday will be an adventure full of wonder but everyday can have beautiful moments in it. Grab onto those and hold tight…those “little” things are actually pretty big.
“And I don’t really care if nobody else believes, ‘Cause I’ve still got a lot of fight left in me.”