I’ve been thinking about something for a little while now. A thought crossed my mind…”What would people remember about my life, and me, should I die tomorrow?” I’ve been pondering this thought for some time.
If someone had to put the story of my life in a category, what would they choose? Would my life be remembered and defined by the loss of my husband? Would it all be considered some horrible tragedy? I sure hope not.
If I had to pick a category or theme for the story of my life I’m not sure I could. It’s been quite the adventure, full of hope, love, heartache, laughter, tears, mistakes, failures, rewards….it’s been high and low and everything in between, but I do know one thing…it’s been beautiful.
There are many people in this world that have never experienced, and will never experience, the love I have in this lifetime. My husband was not perfect (if anyone says their spouse is they are lying! ha!) but our love was absolutely perfect. We knew without a doubt that we loved each other without conditions. He was my best friend. I am so grateful to have experienced such an unfailing and unconditional love. Losing him doesn’t turn this story into a tragedy, I won’t let it. It is a beautiful love story that I would live a million times over if I could.
I have lived quite a life. Nothing crazy or extra extraordinary I suppose (at least not to others). I’ve gone through wild and rebellious times, possibly more than I should have but hey, you live and learn, right? Theoretically anyway! Ha! I’ve had days of wondering how I would survive(even before losing my husband). I’ve laughed…oh boy have I laughed! I’ve danced and sang like the world was my stage and I’ve also questioned everything and wondered how life could be so cruel. I don’t regret the life I’ve lived. When you look back on your life you can always come up with things you “should” have done but you know what? That’s life. It’s messy and it’s beautiful. And what does regret get you? Nothing. I can’t change the mistakes I made in the past, nor do I want to. If I hadn’t lived my life than who is to say I would have met my husband? I wouldn’t be willing to take that risk.
I have to remind myself that you can’t change yesterday, but you can live today and you can plan for tomorrow! I have loved deeply, I have been an idiot(probably more times than I care to remember), I have made bad choices(probably the times I was being an idiot haha) but I have also been giving, loved so deeply and with everything I have…I have been and done many things in my 34 years! I may not be a world traveler (yet!) but I’ve lived a beautiful, messy, love-filled, chaotic life…and I wouldn’t trade it. Do I wish my husband was still here? That’s a no-brainer. But if I had to chose between losing him and never having him…I would choose this life every time. He was (and still is) worth it.
This last weekend I went to spend time with my cousin and her family on the coast. It was beautiful! We laughed and relaxing and just soaked up the sun and salty air! I believe one day I am meant to actually live on the coast…one day. It’s my peaceful place, my therapy.
This past weekend we saw wild horses on the beach! It was a first for me. I think maybe my spirit animal is a wild horse that lives on the beach, in fact I’m fairly certain of it.
I got to spend time with my cousin (who is basically my other sister) and her beautiful family. I mean could her little one be any cuter! I enjoyed every second of this past weekend.
So I’ll end with this…if you ever think of me or my life please remember it’s been a beautiful ride and I’m grateful for it. It is not a tragedy but a beautiful adventure full of love, hope, strength and faith!
The Bluebird Widow 